All the single ladies...

It's been a while, hasn't it? I was out of the country doing an internship for six weeks, which wasn't conducive to blogging (to the left is a picture of me in Germany!). I got back home about three weeks ago, and have since been sleeping, getting ready for school & a new on-campus apartment, and...going through a breakup.

The story of the breakup itself isn't one that I really feel the need to tell, because the how of it isn't so important anymore, I'd say. What's important is that it did happen, and that that was a good thing. You see, the no-longer-boyfriend and I had been doing a lot of fighting for the last few months. A LOT. It was time for me to be single again, too, and I've been pretty content with that for the last few weeks.

That's not to say that I'm not sad it's over--I am. But I'm sad because of could-have-been's and lost possibilities, not because of him or the reality of the relationship. And I think that says something.

So, for the last couple weeks I've been single for the first time in well over a year. And I like it. I've been cooking, seeing friends, going apartment-kitchen-shopping, and just being really content overall. And I've maintained--maybe even increased--my higher self-confidence and self-love.

The Good, The Unfortunate, and the Outright Confusing

The good news:
I'm feeling very confident, self-assured, and comfortable in my very own skin. This is a new thing for me. It's a great thing for me. For the first time in at least 3 years, I've got some self-love going on, and I don't feel like I need to be in a relationship to be happy & satisfied with myself. I'm not even sure if I want to have a boyfriend at the moment.

The news that's unfortunate in light of the above:
I have a boyfriend.
We've been dating for almost a year now, and he's great: brilliant, sweet, funny, attractive, and all sorts of other mushy adjectives. But seriously, I can't picture myself being with someone better for me.
He supports me (when I spent 3 months being sick, and another 3-4 being depressed, he was there!)
He challenges me intellectually.
He makes me smile.
And giggle.
And let loose.
And be silly.
And orgasm (yes, I went there!).

The confusion:
Yes, he's been through the thick of it with me. Yes, he makes me feel gorgeous. Yes, he loved me long before I loved myself.
...and yes, I love[d?] him back. But I'm not sure that I want to have a boyfriend right now--I'm just enjoying being with myself SO MUCH that I feel like I might want ONLY to be with myself in that sense for the time being..

Points to consider:

• He loves me & treats me right

• I loved him. I'm pretty sure I still do (the uncertainty here is that I was so dependent on him, that I can't tell right now if I'm simply no longer dependent, or if I just don't love him [as much?] as I maybe did before.) 

• I might never find someone better for me (but I can't know that, so it's a shitty consideration, I suppose)

• I want autonomy, singularity, individuality.
• Why shouldn't I be able to have that AND a boyfriend? (Maybe it's a matter of balance. Maybe I can.)

And all of this is complicated & crunched together by the fact that, in 22 days, I leave to spend two whole months in Germany. 

AHHHHHH!!!