The good news:
I'm feeling very confident, self-assured, and comfortable in my very own skin. This is a new thing for me. It's a great thing for me. For the first time in at least 3 years, I've got some self-love going on, and I don't feel like I need to be in a relationship to be happy & satisfied with myself. I'm not even sure if I want to have a boyfriend at the moment.
The news that's unfortunate in light of the above:
I have a boyfriend.
We've been dating for almost a year now, and he's great: brilliant, sweet, funny, attractive, and all sorts of other mushy adjectives. But seriously, I can't picture myself being with someone better for me.
He supports me (when I spent 3 months being sick, and another 3-4 being depressed, he was there!)
He challenges me intellectually.
He makes me smile.
And giggle.
And let loose.
And be silly.
And orgasm (yes, I went there!).
The confusion:
Yes, he's been through the thick of it with me. Yes, he makes me feel gorgeous. Yes, he loved me long before I loved myself.
...and yes, I love[d?] him back. But I'm not sure that I want to have a boyfriend right now--I'm just enjoying being with myself SO MUCH that I feel like I might want ONLY to be with myself in that sense for the time being..
Points to consider:
- He loves me & treats me right
- I loved him. I'm pretty sure I still do (the uncertainty here is that I was so dependent on him, that I can't tell right now if I'm simply no longer dependent, or if I just don't love him [as much?] as I maybe did before.)
- I might never find someone better for me (but I can't know that, so it's a shitty consideration, I suppose)
- I want autonomy, singularity, individuality.
- Why shouldn't I be able to have that AND a boyfriend? (Maybe it's a matter of balance. Maybe I can.)
AHHHHHH!!!
