All the single ladies...

It's been a while, hasn't it? I was out of the country doing an internship for six weeks, which wasn't conducive to blogging (to the left is a picture of me in Germany!). I got back home about three weeks ago, and have since been sleeping, getting ready for school & a new on-campus apartment, and...going through a breakup.

The story of the breakup itself isn't one that I really feel the need to tell, because the how of it isn't so important anymore, I'd say. What's important is that it did happen, and that that was a good thing. You see, the no-longer-boyfriend and I had been doing a lot of fighting for the last few months. A LOT. It was time for me to be single again, too, and I've been pretty content with that for the last few weeks.

That's not to say that I'm not sad it's over--I am. But I'm sad because of could-have-been's and lost possibilities, not because of him or the reality of the relationship. And I think that says something.

So, for the last couple weeks I've been single for the first time in well over a year. And I like it. I've been cooking, seeing friends, going apartment-kitchen-shopping, and just being really content overall. And I've maintained--maybe even increased--my higher self-confidence and self-love.

Whew! Made it (through the year)!

I've been eating too much, and too much junk, in the past two weeks. That's due, in part, to the end-of-the-year stress and exhaustion. Moreover, it has to do with recent revelations about loving myself and my body. Because I've been so focused on liking the way I am, I haven't been trying to change myself at all, including my health. That's a slight problem, because I'm not in the best of shape and my cholesterol is pretty much through the roof. Eating all these "bad" things has led to me being more lethargic than I was while I was forcing myself to eat "better" earlier this spring.


I think I need to work on my eating habits and overall fitness. That'll be easier for the next two weeks, because I'm living at home. No cafeteria food, no donuts and coffee, and I have a treadmill right downstairs. But sadly, easier doesn't mean easy. Oh well, it's worth paying attention to for at least two weeks. (I'm leaving for Europe in 12 days, by the way!!)

In order to work on being healthier, while continuing to try not to beat myself up too much about things, I'm keeping track of what I'm eating online, and I'm going to try to get in a little bit of exercise each day (even if that's only a ten-minute walk). In fact, today I did exactly that: walking a little over half a mile in 10 minutes on the treadmill. I wanted to go further, but my allergies are giving me a nasty headache...

I made it through my freshman year of college. Sure, I spent the entire first semester fighting an illness. And spent part of the second semester dealing with the repercussions of that illness, things like insomnia and being too dependent on my boyfriend. It's still a little melancholy to see it end, though.

Aside from that, I'm spending most of my time and energy getting ready to go abroad for a couple of months...it's exciting and exhilarating and nerve-wracking. I think it'll be really, really good for me, though. 

Fitness Means More Than Thinness

Someone asked me if I'd lost weight yesterday. Although I haven't, it was really nice to hear that I'm looking good. My theory is that she thought I looked nice because of the confidence & self-acceptance I've been gaining. You know what they say: "confidence is sexy" (or something like that).

I've lost my obsession with weight loss, lately. Yeah, I'm a size 16/18. Yeah, I'd rather be a 12 or 14, but I can be happy as I am, too. That being said, I'd really like to get in better cardiovascular shape (increase my endurance). Partially this is to do with the fact that I'm headed to Germany in a little under a month, and, when I spoke with a member of my host family yesterday, she mentioned that some members of her family are pretty sporty.

A picture I took of Castle Neuschwanstein the last time I was in Germany. Gorgeous!

 To say the least, I'm anything but athletic. I'm not coordinated, nor do I have much endurance right now. I've never been much of a runner, but I don't think I could jog for more than a few minutes right now if I tried. I'd love to increase my fitness in that sense, both to keep up in Germany, and to enjoy being more active. (Also for my health, of course!)     

So, I think I'll start off by trying some fast walking, maybe around 3.5 to 4.0 mph, and maybe get on the elliptical/cross-country ski machine sometimes. I'll try for 4-5 days a week. I think that Germany will be great motivation for this.

And if I lose weight? Cool! If not? I can be beautiful just like I am now, and I'll increase my fitness.

The Good, The Unfortunate, and the Outright Confusing

The good news:
I'm feeling very confident, self-assured, and comfortable in my very own skin. This is a new thing for me. It's a great thing for me. For the first time in at least 3 years, I've got some self-love going on, and I don't feel like I need to be in a relationship to be happy & satisfied with myself. I'm not even sure if I want to have a boyfriend at the moment.

The news that's unfortunate in light of the above:
I have a boyfriend.
We've been dating for almost a year now, and he's great: brilliant, sweet, funny, attractive, and all sorts of other mushy adjectives. But seriously, I can't picture myself being with someone better for me.
He supports me (when I spent 3 months being sick, and another 3-4 being depressed, he was there!)
He challenges me intellectually.
He makes me smile.
And giggle.
And let loose.
And be silly.
And orgasm (yes, I went there!).

The confusion:
Yes, he's been through the thick of it with me. Yes, he makes me feel gorgeous. Yes, he loved me long before I loved myself.
...and yes, I love[d?] him back. But I'm not sure that I want to have a boyfriend right now--I'm just enjoying being with myself SO MUCH that I feel like I might want ONLY to be with myself in that sense for the time being..

Points to consider:

• He loves me & treats me right

• I loved him. I'm pretty sure I still do (the uncertainty here is that I was so dependent on him, that I can't tell right now if I'm simply no longer dependent, or if I just don't love him [as much?] as I maybe did before.) 

• I might never find someone better for me (but I can't know that, so it's a shitty consideration, I suppose)

• I want autonomy, singularity, individuality.
• Why shouldn't I be able to have that AND a boyfriend? (Maybe it's a matter of balance. Maybe I can.)

And all of this is complicated & crunched together by the fact that, in 22 days, I leave to spend two whole months in Germany. 

AHHHHHH!!!